On “overparenting” and “coddling”

We’ve just passed the six week mark in the now not-so-new school year. Invariably, around this time each school year, most students have begun to encounter a bumpy moment or two, and, just as invariably, many parents struggle with how to respond when they hear about these moments. Maybe it’s an assignment from class that seems difficult or an conversation between a student and a friend about something that makes you go “Hmmm….”

It’s in the context of this time of the school year that I’ve been reading articles and book reviews lately that describe cases of “overparenting” or “coddling” from the K-12 level all the way through college. Maybe it’s going a bit further than one should with “helping” a child complete her homework assignment. Perhaps it’s requesting a meeting with your 7th grader’s teacher at the first sign of a conflict with a classmate. In the examples cited in these articles and in many instances I’ve seen or experienced firsthand as an educator, some parents at times intervene too quickly to rescue children from difficult circumstances at school—be they academic or social—and end up curtailing what can and should be critical learning opportunities for students.

Of course, in these moments, I imagine that most parents do not view their actions or words as “overparenting”—they see them as parenting, the best way they know how. As a school that values what students can learn from grappling with challenging problems and giving students space to resolve conflicts on their own as much as possible, it is important then that we talk with parents about why allowing their children to sometimes flounder and flail is a part of the learning process. But it’s also important that in so doing we don’t imply that the message is “Back off and let your kid fall on his face—it’s good for him!”, but that we strive to work together with parents to establish ways of collaborating that support students through challenges and through failures that promote students’ growth and positive relationships between teachers and parents.

Last year our PTCA and faculty partnered to develop a set of guidelines (listed below) to support the “school-home partnership” in a variety of ways. I encourage parents and teachers to talk with one another about how these guidelines–in particular, how it might look to both celebrate your student for her successes but also allow her the opportunity to learn from those moments that don’t go her way too. There’s much to be gained from both.

How the ANCS Guiding Principles Support the School-Home Partnership

The mission of the Atlanta Neighborhood Charter School (ANCS) is to “use the principles of the Coalition of Essential Schools to:

BUILD an empowered and inclusive community of students, parents, and educators
ENGAGE the whole child—intellectually, social-emotionally, and physically
HELP all students to know themselves and to be known well by their community
CHALLENGE each student to take an active role as an informed citizen in a global society
COLLABORATE with the larger community to advocate for student-centered schools

Carrying out this mission requires a strong partnership between our school and the parents/guardians whose children we serve. Several of the CES common principles give guidance about the relationship between school and home:

Teaching and learning should be personalized to the maximum feasible extent. Efforts should be directed toward a goal that no teacher have direct responsibility for more than 80 students in the high school and middle school and no more than 20 in the elementary school. To capitalize on this personalization, decisions about the details of the course of study, the use of students’ and teachers’ time and the choice of teaching materials and specific pedagogies must be unreservedly placed in the hands of the principal and staff.
The tone of the school should explicitly and self-consciously stress values of unanxious expectation (“I won’t threaten you but I expect much of you”), of trust (until abused) and of decency (the values of fairness, generosity and tolerance). Incentives appropriate to the school’s particular students and teachers should be emphasized. Parents should be key collaborators and vital members of the school community.
The school should demonstrate non-discriminatory and inclusive policies, practices, and pedagogies. It should model democratic practices that involve all who are directly affected by the school. The school should honor diversity and build on the strength of its communities, deliberately and explicitly challenging all forms of inequity.

So what does this all mean for how parents and adults at the school—teachers, staff, administrators—should partner in service to our children and students? The remainder of this document uses our ANCS Guiding Principles to give examples of what an effective partnership should look like.

1) We come to school and every class prepared to learn and do our best.